Letters from Kolentawezi Jail

dear sir

‘More than kisses, letters mingle souls’ ~J Donne

He paused over the paper wondering how to start the letter. It was hot. It was always hot near the equator. His fountain pen felt slippery in his sticky hand. Would this be his last chance? Would it solve his problems? With a bold stroke from a firm hand powered by a hopeful heart, he wrote:

Dear President Olanta,’ he always started with ‘Dear’ even although sometimes people were not necessarily ‘Dear’.

Sir, I am not guilty of the murder of Honest Nyrere. I beg you to take a look at the case. I have never used a gun and so my fingerprints cannot be on the weapon found at the scene of the crime. I was sleeping in my apartment two miles away at the time of the murder. The police arrested me on the evidence of a man, Alfred Chimbonza, who owes me money, a lot of money, although he’ll deny it of course. He is lying.

I am a too easy target.

Please help me.

Yours truly, Peter Watson.

Kolentawezi Jail

Dear Mr. Watson,

His Excellency, President, Prophet Olanta, thanks you for your letter; it will be receiving his full attention.

pp Prophet Olanta.

Despite the disappointment , Peter felt he had another avenue of opportunity.

Mr. Herbert Impotune, CBE.,

BBC, London.

Dear Sir,

I am a British subject held here in Kolentawezi Jail falsely accused of the murder of Julian (Honest) Nyrere. No one seems interested in my case. I plead with you to expose the corrupt and incompetent policing and judicial systems here. My life is at stake and I am running out of time.

I am a too easy target.

Please, can you help me?

Yours truly, Peter Watson.

Kolentawezi Jail

Dear Mr. Watson,

The deputy controller of the Broadcasting Corporation (Overseas Affairs) has asked me regretfully to tell you that the overseas budget has been cut and we cannot justify the expense of a trip to Kolentawezi Jail to investigate your claims.

pp Herbert Impotune (Deputy Controller of the Broadcasting Corporation Overseas Affairs)

Pete’s legs crumpled when he read the bland reply. Desperate, he turned to his long lost father.

Dear Dad,

I know we haven’t spoken since you were convicted of mum’s killing twenty years ago, but I need your help. I am rotting in Kolentawezi Jail falsely accused of a murder and no one cares.

Can you help?

Love Peter

Rottingdean, East Sussex.

Peter, Sort yourself out. That’s what I tried to teach you. Dad

How could his father on earth fail him? He turned his pleas to his Father in heaven.

The Most Reverend and Right Honourable the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury

Canterbury Cathedral, Kent.

Your Grace, I have been a devout Christian all my life and now I need a favour. Can you help? I have been falsely accused of the murder of….

Respectfully yours in Christ,

Peter Watson.

Kolentawezi Jail

Cathedral House, The Precincts, Canterbury CT1 2EH, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Watson,

His Eminence, the Archbishop has every sympathy with your predicament. He will be writing to the Prophet Olanta stressing the need for inter faith co-operation and understanding.

The ways of the Lord are wondrous and he will say a prayer for you.

p.p. His Eminence, the Archbishop.

Say a prayer! What use will that be?

The national press, why hadn’t he thought of them before? He wrote to the editor of the Daily Despatch.

Daily Despatch,

Fleet Street, London.

Dear Editor,

Please, can you publish this letter in your newspaper?

My name is Peter Watson. I am falsely charged with the murder of….

I offer a reward of £10,000 to anyone who can help me.

Yours truly, Peter Watson.

Kolentawezi Jail

Dear Mr. Watson,

I published your letter last week and it has precipitated so many responses, it is almost like a viral disease breaking out across the nation! Everyone wants to help. I will send all their letters to you at the jail.

Good luck!

Yours truly, Gerald Nose, Editor, The Daily Despatch

Dear Mr. Nose,

Please do not send any more letters here. Mr Watson was executed last week.

By Order of General Dhamney (Jails).


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